Humph Yourself!
by Manchester
Summary: In his work as the New Council's wandering troubleshooter, Xander Harris has at times received much-appreciated assistance from various beings he met during the dangerous job of safeguarding the world from demons, but this is definitely a new one for him.


Scanning the bare Arizona horizon from under his beat-up Stetson, Xander held still his head while keeping it fully turned to the left. He then took into his mouth the dangling nipple at the end of the semi-rigid blue plastic tube leading down and behind into the hydration pack Xander was carrying on his back, and greedily sucked in from there a couple of gulps of cool water. Spitting out the tube so that it again stayed ready for another drink when needed, Xander returned to searching for his most recent supernatural prey.

Just hours ago, this man taking a vacation at the desolate Sonoran Desert in southern Arizona had stopped at a campsite in the Cabeza Prieta National Wildlife Refuge and made there a horrifying discovery. The bloody remains of two male hikers were gorily scattered around their tent also ripped to pieces by fang and claw. For anyone else, it might've looked like a wild animal attack of some kind, but Xander knew better. Particularly when he recognized the tracks leading away from the atrocity as belonging to a very vicious demon species having a definite fondness for human flesh.

Knowing it was vital to quickly hunt down that fiend before it killed anyone else, Xander drove his 4-wheel drive camper a mile away from the massacre, and left this car in the first out of sight place he found. When it was all over with, he'd anonymously call the authorities so the remains of those unlucky hikers could be recovered, but for now Xander didn't need to be distracted by having to meet with the park rangers and make up some story concerning his discovery of the corpses there. There wasn't a lot of time either to call in help from the New Council. Besides, it was just one demon, all right? He'd been doing this stuff for well over a decade now which made Xander quite confident he could handle it entirely on his own without any trouble after all his years in Africa and elsewhere backing up the new Slayers and Watchers.

Getting out of the camper, Xander trotted around to the back of his personal recreational vehicle. He pulled out from there and then donned all the survival gear he'd need for a stalk of that demon: a good hat, his already-filled hydration pack which also contained an emergency kit for a couple of days on his own in the desert, an assortment of knives including his main weapon of a bowie knife in a holster strapped to his right thigh, and lastly from the hidden gun locker a powerful Marlin Model 1894 rifle chambered for the .44 Magnum cartridge. While loading this lever-action repeating rifle, Xander glanced at the pair of other, more modern automatic rifles also in the gun locker and shook his head once in rueful regret. He'd really like to take those with him, but if Xander was caught carrying only a hunting rifle in the wildlife refuge during the off-season, all that'd happen to him would be a stiff fine and a stern lecture for possible poaching. It'd be an entirely different thing if his seized gun was an AK-47 or an AR-15 with a full twenty-round magazine.

Telling with a perfect Elmer Fudd accent the totally humorless ATF agents then called in on his case that he was "Shhh, be vewy, vewy quiet, I'm huntin' demons" probably wouldn't go over especially well with them…

Slinging his Model 1894 over one shoulder, Xander just shrugged about what couldn't be helped. After closing up his camper, this one-eyed man then headed off in what he thought was the proper direction. Sure enough, after a long walk with his steady gaze fixed on the ground, Xander picked up again the demon's tracks leading away from the campsite. What then happened was for the New Council troubleshooter to patiently follow his quarry through the desert landscape for the next couple of hours. It wasn't any harder than doing the same thing when he'd learned these tracking and survivalist skills in Africa years ago after Sunnydale became a big crater and Xander volunteered to find the newly-created Slayers residing in their homes in the Dark Continent, some which happened to be in the most remote and primitive places ever. A California boy eventually found himself pretty much able to take care of himself just about anywhere in the brush, jungle, and deserts of Africa. He hadn't lost this hard-won expertise when coming back to civilization and becoming the New Council's go-to guy for wilderness exploration, even if the original Scoobies teased him about becoming their own great white hunter, albeit with a spare Twinkie stuffed in his cartridge belt. Smiling to himself, Xander brought his attention back to chasing and catching the demon somewhere up further on, who'd then get a blessed silver slug right between the eyes. Assuming it _had_ eyes, that is.

This trek soon led to Xander thoughtfully staring ahead at the low arroyo several dozen yards onwards where the tracks had brought him to at around noon and the hottest part of today in the wildlife refuge. It was entirely possible the pursued demon had taken shelter in what shade it could find along the sides of the arroyo, so Xander unslung his rifle and held it ready in both hands. Soundlessly striding forward with cautious steps, Xander followed the tracks to the edge of the arroyo. Looking down perhaps six feet below to the sand bed of the dry gulch, Xander saw there the deep imprints of the demon where it'd obviously landed after jumping off the arroyo's rim to then move away upstream to the left-

"_Rrrrraaahhhhrrrr!_"

Whirling around at the vicious growl coming from much too close by at his blind spot, Xander saw lunging upwards from the narrow wall crevice by which it'd climbed from the arroyo to conceal itself there until carrying out an ambush upon the human chasing after it. It was moving much too fast for the Sunnydale survivor to notice anything more than it being some kind of lizard/rat hybrid nearly his size springing at him, but Xander was able to observe a foam-dripping muzzle filled with jagged incisors about to eviscerate him right this second!

There wasn't time for Xander to swing around his rifle to then take aim and shoot that damn demon, so the man desperately stiff-armed his weapon held out horizontally at waist level to block his enemy's attack. It worked, kind of, as the demon chomped onto the middle part of Xander's rifle. Unfortunately, the demon's forward momentum made it slam into Xander's body, shoving both him and it entirely off the arroyo edge. Still stubbornly chewing at his rifle, the demon followed after Xander in their short plunge onto the hard ground below.

Xander landed flat on his back, which actually was good for him. The half-filled hydration pack he still wore squished under his weight and nearly burst at its seams, yet it keep Xander from suffering anything more than a serious thump to the man's upper body and a momentarily shortness of breath when most of the air was punched out from his lungs. Ignoring this, Xander was fast enough to yank hard sideways his rifle, causing the plummeting demon continuing to seize with its teeth the weapon to be also wrenched to the right so that it thudded onto the sand besides the man rather than doing the same directly onto Xander's stomach.

Except, the demon took instant advantage of being on all four feet and braced against the ground by using all its strength to heave up and away its whole body in a quick hop which also tore out of Xander's grip his rifle. Landing no more than a yard distant from Xander, the demon violently shook its head before letting go at last its savage clench with its jaws, sending the rifle hurtling in an arc through the air, almost all the way to the other side of the arroyo behind the demon before this gun uselessly clattered to the sand.

Smoothly rolling up onto his feet while hauling out the bowie knife from its thigh holster, Xander confronted a demon clearly about to rush right at him. The snarl on the human's scarred face now matched with equal ferocity the demon's rage, as both foes set themselves ready for a life-or-death struggle.

Moments later, that battle never took place.

From where it'd been listening and smelling everything, the entity hidden on the other side of the arroyo's downstream curvature of its course had watched Xander's rifle fly into view. That last action was enough to make up this witness's mind that leaving the vicinity as fast as possible was the best option available. Unfortunately, seeing how the dry gulch vertically dropped several yards to the right in a steep ledge running across the entire channel which in rainy season would be a thunderous waterfall, the only direction possible for it to run led right through the upstream combatants currently around the rocky bulge where the witness had been hoping to stay concealed.

There was no other choice. Lurching upright, the third and formerly unknown participant who'd been downwind of the demon first on the scene charged out of its bolthole, building up speed all the while traveling around the sheltering knob.

Xander had seen muscles tense under the demon's scales, just in time for him to bring his knife up in the beginning of a defensive slash when that monster leapt right at him. However…in the very next instant, a sandy-brown blur passed right in front of Xander, making him flinch and dodge away from whatever had just run between the two fighters. A howl of sheer agony also burst from Xander's lips, since in snatching back his bowie, the man keeping the arroyo wall at his rear had just smashed his right elbow precisely with his funny bone against the wall.

Unable to maintain his tingling grip onto the knife hilt, Xander dropped this weapon, only to then frantically bend down and grab it up again in his other hand. Straightening up, he peered with a desperate eye through the settling dust cloud caused by whoever had just dashed through their fight. A couple of hammering heartbeats later, Xander blinked in utter astonishment at what he saw there. The demon he'd just been about to go one-on-one with, it was limply lying there on the ground with its eyes closed, as if it'd been knocked unconscious!

Thinking back, Xander could now remember that when something with a really strange smell and maybe a close-up recollection of fur had sprinted before him, there'd also been a distinct soft _thud!_ noise. It was almost like that weird experience had come with the sound of something colliding hard with the demon-

Hastily bringing himself down to earth, a shaken Xander strode forwards until he was standing by the prone demon's body. Kneeling down besides this out-cold supernatural creature, a few quick stabs with the bowie took care of it for once and all. Even with his right arm still mostly out of action, it proved to be no trouble to finish the job. Getting back up on his feet again, Xander uncertainly glanced around his location. It proved to be completely deserted save for himself and the already dissolving demon.

Now feeling absolute bogglement over everything which had taken place in the last minute or so, Xander went over to where his rifle was laid out on the ground. Glumly checking it out, the man saw there signs of such damage from teeth that he was probably going to have to get another Marlin. After some cautious experimentation, Xander found his elbow was recovering nicely. With a sigh of relief, he switched the knife to his right hand and slid this blade into its holster once more. Next, Xander picked up his rifle and slung it onto his shoulder. With that done, the New Council troubleshooter wandered back to where things had gone truly gonzo a moment ago.

Paying no mind to the demon goop soaking into the sand, Xander instead intently studied the ground. Let's see now, it was right there… Whew. At least he hadn't totally lost his mind. A nice footprint, plain as the nose on your face, and it even looks kinda familiar-

When Xander finally recognized it, the entire arroyo rang to his incredulous bellow, "Oh, come _on!_ There's no way one of them was here!"

* * *

><p>Parking his camper, Xander stayed in his seat a few moments longer, studying the Arizona graveyard which was spread out before him. He glanced down at his laptop open on the right passenger seat to check again what he should be looking for. Satisfied that he'd have no trouble finding it, Xander left his car, putting on his Stetson along the way, and went searching. He soon found the most unique cemetery structure that a veteran of Sunnydale's numerous resting places had ever laid his eye upon during his entire life.<p>

Among the bare ground save for patches of sagebrush, a large pyramid made of rough stones mortared together had a metal plaque embedded into one face of the pyramid. Xander didn't bother to check the plaque out yet. That would wait. Instead, the grinning man stared at the silhouette cut out of a steel slab and perched atop the peak of the pyramid. Peering closer at the lower forefront of the outlined work of art, Xander saw there a pretty close semblance of what would've made the incredible footprint he'd discovered just yesterday.

It was a camel's hoof, just like the rest of the silhouette showed a textbook likeness of this ship of the desert.

Xander now read the plaque:

_The last camp of Hi Jolly, born somewhere in Syria about 1828 / Died at Quartzsite December 16, 1902 / Came to this country February 10, 1856 / Cameldriver - packer - scout - over thirty years a faithful aid to the U.S. government. Arizona Highway Department, 1935._

For the next couple of minutes, Xander Harris guffawed out loud. Finally quieting down a trifle, this man gleefully wiped away a tear of mirth from his remaining eye, and he glanced around. Spotting a sign at the cemetery entrance he'd previously missed, Xander walked over there and again read what was printed on this marker.

"The famous camel herd with which the name of Hi Jolly is linked constitutes an interesting sidelight of Arizona history ... Jefferson Davis (afterward president of the Southern Confederacy), as Secretary of War, approved a plan to experiment with camels for freighting and communication in the arid Southwest ... Major Henry C. Wayne of the U.S. Army and Lt. D.D. Porter (later a distinguished admiral in the Civil War) visited the Levant with the storeship _Supply_ and procured 33 camels which were landed at Indianola, Texas, February 10, 1856. 41 were added on a second voyage ... With the first camels came, as caretaker, Haiji Ali whose Arabic name was promptly changed to "Hi Jolly" by the soldiers, and by this name he became universally known. His Greek (?) name was Philip Tedro ... On the Beale expedition in 1857 to open a wagon road across Arizona from Fort Defiance to California, the camels under Hi Jolly's charge, proved their worth. Nevertheless, the War Department abandoned the experiment and the camels were left on the Arizona desert to shift for themselves, chiefly roaming this particular section. They survived for many years creating interest and excitement ... Officially the camel experiment was a failure, but both Lt. Beale and Major Wayne were enthusiastic in praise of the animals. A fair trial might have resulted in complete success."

Snickering to himself, Xander went back to the pyramid and stood there for a while just thinking. Yeah, it all matched, what he'd recently found on the Internet concerning the mythical camels who'd managed to roam mostly unnoticed in the Sonoran Desert throughout the decades well afterwards being set free by the Army, save for the rare observer having the privilege of seeing them. Of course, by all additional accounts, virtually every claimant to this unbelievable manifestation had reported it while being falling-down drunk.

So…a more believable explanation for Xander's recent encounter with an utterly tangible _Camelus dromedarius,_ just like the ones he'd seen and interacted with during his African travels, was that animal had been an escapee from someone's zoo, circus, or private stock, on the loose in the perfect environment for it and living quite nicely until this panicky camel stampeded through Xander's fight with the demon and accidentally laid low that unholy creature along the way.

What else could it be? Xander had to admit, there was to all intents and purposes no possible chance any descendant of the original camels brought to America before the Civil War could've survived to the present day. Despite all the stories happily contributed well after by many Western authors to such a hilarious occasion as a bunch of harried U.S. cavalrymen dealing with their newfound detested beasts of burden spitting and complaining at every opportunity these camels had, the cold, hard facts were there'd never been enough of a breeding population to allow those freed animals to prosper out in the wilds of Arizona.

Still…Xander's whole life had been sufficiently outlandish ever since second year at Sunnydale High that he wasn't prepared to bet against it. In the end, at the Quartzsite graveyard, Xander Harris stiffened to attention in front of Hi Jolly's tomb, reached up to respectfully tug at the brim of his Stetson, and spoke out loud:

"Hey, fella, thanks a lot. Pass it along to your camels, too, okay?"

* * *

><p>Author's Note: It's all true. Mostly. Nobody's entirely sure of anything but the basic details concerning the U.S. Camel Corps, since this little piece of history was either ignored for a long time until all the actual participants passed away or others had some fun by adding even more whoppers to a classic tall tale. In any case, a 1976 family movie from Mulberry Square Productions titled <em>Hawmps!<em> inspired this little story.

Go online, and you'll be able to see for yourself Hi Jolly's actual tomb with the information given above.

The title is directly quoted from Rudyard Kipling's _Just So_ story 'How The Camel Got His Hump'.


End file.
